A friend posted something like this statement recently and this was my response.
For many years and more notably in recent years I have pressured myself and especially my wife that I’m not leading a bigger life and this has caused stress in our relationship and internal challenge and struggle for me.
Recently life gave me a powerful and insightful lesson to help me see that I have been injecting the values of others (other personal development trainers, my mother etc) into my life and trying to live up to standards which are not mine. This has reminded me what I learned through studying with Dr John Demartini.
When we live with fantasies of who we should or could be we create a dissonance between reality and fantasy. This can cause distress (which makes us feel down ) or eustress (which spurs us to action, like before an exam). Having these fantasies can be helpful and hinder us – depending on how we perceive them.
From my studies, comparing life to a fantasy of what we think it should be is a key element of depression. We think we should be playing bigger, doing more, helping more etc instead of celebrating how big we are playing, how much we are doing and what we already contribute while enjoying the process.
There is only one life and that is actuality – comparing to our memories (past) and imagination (future) is disrespectful to the awesome creation of who you are in this moment, the only moment we have.
I have recently taken the big chip off my shoulders of how big I should be playing and how I should be earning more money and serving more people and am still taking daily actions to be more, but I have stopped feeling guilty for not being more already. I am hiking with my wife more, have softened in our relationship and am focusing on some of my own creative hobbies more for fun. I used to do these things, but there was a level of guilt and shame I was carrying which I’m slowly dissolving and feel so much more grounded as a result.
In summary, Yes, you could be more, playing bigger and making a bigger impact, but you’re not, so stop comparing yourself to a fantasy who ONLY EXISTS IN YOUR MIND … nowhere else. Myself, your friends and family love you for who you show up as in spite of your internal challenges so feel free to soften and show compassion to the amazing person you are and stop making yourself wrong for being the perfect being you are – the only version of you that exists in actuality and the person we know and love.
The biggest tip I can recommend to anyone having challenges right now is by identifying and following your values. This is covered in my book in the Clear Direction chapter or review what Dr John Demartini teaches about values on his website. This is an incredibly powerful thing to do which can change your life and support you in your vision.